SINKING INTO THE MATTRESS WHILE MY FUTURE BANGS ON THE DOOR

     I have been super into long titles lately. Here is a piece I wrote for last week’s workshop. College is on the mind, the future is on the mind, I am scared but life goes on whether I am sure of it or not. Anyway, read!

SINKING INTO THE MATTRESS WHILE MY FUTURE BANGS ON THE DOOR

i am laying

still, in a dark room

i am laying

still, 

in my bed, 

as i was last night 

and the night before,

wrapped in white cotton sheets and

three layers of matted sherpa

while in the other room,

a spoon is 

clawing at, 

or fighting against, 

a porcelain bowl. I hear it

from across the hallway,

i hear it crying out from

my brother’s room

as he scoops

Cinnamon 

Toast 

        Crunch

into his dry, 

dirty mouth.

it is quiet otherwise

other than the screaming silver and the

moonlight creeping in

which has more to say than i 

ever could care to,

and i didn’t say goodnight

and i’m sure my brother is lonely

but i don’t think i will

pay him a visit

because right now

it is dark and

I am laying 

still, 

LED starlight is 

enveloping the walls,

the stars blooming

from under the body of my 

lamp 

paint the walls and

i am laying

wide eyed and still

with my hands clasped white knuckle over 

my stomach, like a strait jacket

    keeping me strapped

to my mattress. i am sure that

right now, there is a boy named

uncertainty 

sitting outside my door,

dressed in buttermilk linens

with thorns hidden in his hair

who i am familiar with but 

have never looked

in the face,

and for this reason

i will not pay my brother a visit

or say goodnight because

right now, 

there is a boy outside

my door and 

soon he will be knocking and 

the gold-plated knob will 

burn red hot at the sound and 

my palms will be casted in 

third-degree five-pointed scars

that will live on me forever

        and will spread.

they will find their way up my arms,

along my collarbones and 

up my neck, 

forever, my skin will be soaked in 

unsurety.

and just as everyone does,

                    i will cover up. 

with my sleeves and 

   socks and gloves,

i will carry on,

without the security

of knowing.